As far as I can remember, I've always wanted to be somebody. I spent most of my adult life trying to prove to my family, my friends, people and of course, myself that I can be someone great. But at the same time, for as long as I can remember, it has never ever been an easy ride.
But then I realize the reason why it's never been easy is because I'm trying to prove myself to other people more than to myself. I can psycho myself into thinking that I am doing this to prove something to myself but it's never the case. Not for me, not even for everyone else.
As much as I deny it, I do take stock into what people think or say about me. It's a bad habit, I know. But I just can't help it. Everyone can go around saying "oh, don't think too much about what people think about you" but it's not that simple. Your performance, attitude and how you bring yourself matters to you and the people around you. And most of the time, you don't even realize that you DO take into account what other people think about you.
I can safely say that, yes, I did care about what people think about me. And I still do. Only because I want to be the best at everything I do. It doesn't matter what - I just want to be really good at it because everyone should do the best at everything they want to do.
Sometimes I still wonder if I had made the best choices in life. But no one really knows what "the best choices" are. You kinda have to just wing it.
I've learned to mellow down just a little over the past couple of years and I should take each day on as it comes. Whatever that lies the day after is a whole different story and I should not beat myself up if the next day is actually not as good as the last. The next day is always the unexpected.
We can all plan all we want but the universe may lead us to some kind of detour or crossroad. And taking one different turn could mean a whole lot more in the future.
I have my plans for the future for sure because I'm just wired like that. I'm paranoid by nature and working in post production has further strengthen that trait of mine. My best friend pointed out that I can only stop being paranoid once whatever I worked on has made it to the screen. Which is true. Because it's only then I can relax. That's probably why I'm a little jumpy at this new job and try extremely hard to wrap my head around what needs to be done.
Needless to say, I am extremely overwhelmed. But then again, I get overwhelmed pretty easily because I do live some sort of a routine, monotonous life. At this point, I'm comfortable with that. On one hand it's nice being comfortable. But on the other, it scares me half to death wondering if I'm doomed to a life of boredom. But I'm trying very hard to stop thinking too far ahead because so far, it has left me with nothing but heartache. I don't take too kindly to bad news.
It's actually pretty hard taking things on one day at a time. Harder than having a plan. At least for me. But for now, I think I'm going to settle with taking it one step at a time.
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